before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
