Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
