i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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