note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
