She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
