remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
