Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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