i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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