I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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