So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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