At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
