1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
