I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
