Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
