We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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