YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
