I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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