You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I need moral support for this bender
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
