ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
