Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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