I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
