made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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