So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
