so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
