lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
