I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
