Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
