I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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