Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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