Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
