The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm determined to sit on that face.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
