Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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