It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
