the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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