also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
