His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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