Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
