I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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