Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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