Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
