if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
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by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
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Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had to cum in my sink.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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