Apparently you make a good broom.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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