it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
