when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
