So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
