my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
