She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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