I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
that's an acceptable place to lick
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
