If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
