cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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