Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
