i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
