I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I touched a dick in church today
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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