So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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