Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
