I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
