we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
