I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
