I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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