Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
this hospital has no fireball
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize